My Spirit Animal is a Feral Raccoon

And Honestly, It Explains Everything

I saw a meme today that said my spirit animal might actually be a feral raccoon… and I’ve never felt more spiritually seen in my entire, chaotic, Sleep-Optional™ existence.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Apparently, a feral raccoon:
• Has dark circles under its eyes
• Stays up all night
• Eats absolute garbage
• Is somehow still kinda cute
• Is a little fluffy
• And statistically may or may not have rabies

First of all — RUDE.
Second of all — how dare you call me out like that.
Third of all — that is 100% accurate.

I didn’t choose the feral raccoon life. The feral raccoon life chose me.

I have permanent dark circles that no amount of concealer, caffeine, prayer, or emotional support mascara can fix. These are not “tired eyes”… they are seasoned, battle-tested, late-night-overthinking-warrior sockets of wisdom. My under-eyes have seen things. They’ve carried single-mom stress, intrusive thoughts at 2am, and the full memory of every embarrassing moment from 2006.

Sleep schedule? Don’t know her.
My body thinks 1:37am is the perfect time to solve every problem I’ve ever had, replay awkward conversations from middle school, and suddenly remember I forgot to send an email three weeks ago.

Why am I awake?
I don’t know.
Why am I scrolling?
For emotional support.
Why am I eating shredded cheese at the fridge at 1:42am like an unsupervised toddler?
Because depression said “charcuterie,” and I said “no budget, vibes only.”

A raccoon doesn’t worry about balanced meals. A raccoon is guided by instinct. A raccoon sees a half-eaten bag of chips and a questionable pop-tart and says: This is a feast. I am thriving.

And honestly? Same.

But here’s where the real disrespect comes in…

Raccoons are weirdly cute.

They have tiny hands. Tiny, sneaky, “I definitely touched something I shouldn’t have” hands. They look like they are always planning a crime but in, like… an adorable, misunderstood Disney-villain sidekick way.

Now tell me that’s not the energy I walk around with every day.

Am I harmless? Yes.
Do I look like I’m about to start chaos anyway? Also yes.
Do I collect random things? Absolutely.
Do I have at least four emotional support beverages around me at all times? Again — yes.
Am I slightly unhinged but somehow still endearing? Ask literally anyone that loves me despite my personality.

Also, let’s revisit the rabies comment for just a moment.

Do I have rabies? No.
Do I have unresolved trauma, caffeine dependency, and absolutely zero patience for nonsense? Yes.
Do I sometimes hiss internally when someone asks me to “circle back” on something that was already clearly explained in the email? 1,000%.

So basically, the modern corporate version of rabies.

And listen… I’m not saying I’m feral.
But I am wildly protective of my peace, snacks, and personal space.
I will disappear when overwhelmed.
I will reappear only when snacks are provided.
I am 70% sarcasm, 20% caffeine, and 10% “Jesus take the wheel because I am tired.”

At this point, if someone described me as:
✨ emotionally guided
✨ snack motivated
✨ night thriving
✨ chaos but cute
✨ fluffy in spirit
✨ slightly suspicious
✨ deeply misunderstood
✨ spiritually feral

I’d just say:
“Thank you for seeing me in my natural habitat.”

So if you, too, are operating on vibes, unresolved thoughts, and a granola bar you found in your purse from 2022 — just know…

You are not alone.

You are not broken.

You are simply a raccoon navigating capitalism with grace.

And honestly? I’ve never been prouder.